A Gaseous, Fiery Inferno

I've mentioned before that one of my biggest fears is my house exploding due to leaky gas pipes.

I feel like they are more common than ever this year, and that concerns this neurotic wife! My co-worker says her next house will be electric heat for this very reason. (Although my feeling is, unless you can guarantee your neighbors' houses are also electric, you're still at risk of explosion.)

The Boston Globe recently reported on my gut feeling. It makes me wonder if gas lines built years ago just aren't holding up. Has the recession caused gas companies to delay repairs?

The Globe reports, "These blasts, killing three and injuring one, have served as a reminder of the dangers associated with the massive underground pipe system tunneling beneath streets and delivering a flammable product to nearly 1.5 million customers in the state. The system's 21,000 miles of gas main would be nearly enough to travel around the circumference of the Earth. More than a third of the system relies on old, antiquated pipes."

Yikes.

Under Water and Dreaming

My friend and I head into the GAP dressing room to try on overalls. As we walk into the stalls, we are suddenly under water. Then my friend is eaten by a shark.

This was the dream I had over and over again when graduating from high school. I had the same dream when graduating from college. Admittedly by the time I graduated college overalls were hopelessly out of style.

This is an anxiety dream, and according to Astrology.com the ocean or any tumultuous water can represent uncertainty and an inability to completely control events.

I have had anxiety dreams before getting engaged and again while house hunting. My anxiety dreams are still about the water, although thankfully the overalls are gone. Typically a massive ocean wave separates me from a group of loved ones.

Right now my husband and I are in a blissful lull. We're enjoying life before we take the next big step. With the exception of a small thing I like to refer to as the global economic collapse, there has not been much for me to truly obsess over. But, I am a neurotic wife, and worrying comes naturally to me. So I have managed to take on my friends' worries and have anxious dreams on their behalf.

One of my friends and her husband put an offer on a house Saturday; and we met them for dinner that evening . She wants to be settled in a home and nest, and she had fallen in love with this one house. I could feel her anxiousness as she sweat the offer process. That night I dreamed that a massive flood created a crevice in the earth. As my mom, my friend's husband and I stood on one side of the flood, my friend was alone and helpless on the other side.

Mexican Drug Cartels

Somehow I managed to avoid learning that drug cartels had taken over Mexico until the day before we left for our vacation. Since my mom told me about, I immediately assumed it was hyperbole-- after all, she's seriously neurotic.

I have to say I felt totally safe and comfortable at the Excellence Playa Mujeres (highly recommend it). I also felt plenty safe at the airport given the many armored tanks and machine-gun toting soldiers at Terminal One of Cancun International. We were flying out of Terminal 2 but our driver dropped us off at Terminal 3. We hopped on the free airport shuttle which took us through scenic Baghdad, Iraq (aka Terminal 1) before dropping us off at Terminal 2.

According to the Fair and Balanced reports on Fox News, the drug cartels only control the border towns, not the resort towns. The US border towns. Comforting.

A Message from Beyond

My husband and I recently went on vacation to Mexico. Here is just the first of many neurotic moments I had while on vacation.

I wrote a postcard to my nieces while on the plane headed home. I was trying to keep the note light and fun, and with a message that a four-year-old and a two-year-old would understand. After a quick line about playing on the beach I wrote:

"Aunty's advice: wear sunscreen and always order dessert."

And then I realized what I had done. I had just written a perfect life creed:

Wear sunscreen - be careful.

Always order dessert - have fun.

And from that point on I became paranoid our plane was doomed. I could just imagine someone recovering our belongings from the crash, finding that postcard in the rubble and mailing it to my nieces. Aunty had sent them a message on living life-- from beyond.

So naturally I addressed the postcard with their names and addresses and put it safely in my bag, waterproofing it in a plastic baggy I had. If something were to happen, I was going to make sure this note had every chance of making it to my nieces.

I made it home safely, obviously, and mailed the postcard from work. Instead of being the perfect life creed my nieces carry with them to college and beyond, the postcard will probably just be posted to their fridge until being discarded in spring cleaning.

Sibling rivalry

My sister and I are generally supportive of each other, but every now and then we fall into that familiar sibling rivalry, here, we attempt to out neurotic each other:

Me: My husband's boss' home was broken into last night-- while he was home!

Sister: That's scary. We sleep with one baseball bat on either side of our beds.

Me: Really? That's pretty neurotic, especially considering your condo is on the third floor.

Sister: Eh, I sleep better that way.

Me: What if you have a nightmare and while in your sleep you grab the bat and hit your husband in the face?

Sister: Wow, now that's pretty neurotic. You think I'm going to sleep walk and beat my husband.

Part 2: 25 Things I am Neurotic About

6. House fires and explosions - Every time we leave the house for an overnight stay I am convinced we will come home and a gas explosion will have decimated our Cape. I have seen one or two news stories in the past few years where houses mysteriously explode without warning.

7. Cops - My neighbor is a cop, in fact many of the men and women in my town are cops. Whenever I come home from work and see his car is gone for the night shift I worry. I don't think you can be a neurotic wife and marry a cop. Luckily my husband is a marketing manager.

8. And robbers - Recently there was a rash of break-ins in my sister's neighborhood. The same sister who was forgetful enough to leave the oven on over night, would obviously be forgetful enough to leave the front or back door unlocked.

9. Dryer Lint - The other day a co-worker of mine told me that her house nearly caught on fire (see number 6) because she had not cleaned the dryer's exit pipe in six months. I didn't know the dryer had an exit pipe, let alone that it needed to be cleaned.

10. Scoliosis - When my husband was in 7th grade he had to have an operation on his back and was out of school for six months. I am not sure if this can be traced back to the fact that his home town is contaminated by GE or not, nor am I sure that scoliosis is genetic, but I am pretty certain my future porpoise-like children will be born with a boomerang-shaped spine.

Part One: 25 Things I am Neurotic About

In honor of the craze sweeping Facebook right now, I am listing 25 things I have worried about recently. This will be a series of five posts.

1. A mysterious, large bruise that appeared on my arm - When I was 11 I read a book about a girl who got leukemia, and one of the symptoms was that she bruised easily. Now whenever I notice a bruise and can not remember how I got it I assume the worst.

2. Ring worm - This is a rare instance that I was not worrying, and I should have been. As I have mentioned, I recently went to the doctor for a regular check-up. There I learned that what I thought was a patch of dry skin on my leg was actually ring worm. (Note: The doctor told me ring worm is not a worm, it's a fungus. That was supposed to make me feel better.

3. High levels of sodium - I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch today. Anytime I have a frozen meal I worry about sodium in-take, but today I topped it off with some soy sauce with my dinner. Now my toe feels like it's going numb. I'm convinced the two are related.

4. Blood clots - I am getting on a plane in three weeks.

5. Potholes - I can not believe that no one has invented pothole resistant asphalt. If I had not done Mad Libs all through chemistry in high school I'd be on top of that invention. Instead I sit at home and worry about my husband driving his little Civic straight into an SUV-sized pothole.Check back soon for the next five worries in this series...

Forgetting I Remembered to Do Something

The other day I drove 26 miles home from work at lunchtime because I was certain I had left the iron on. I know everyone has had the experience. Turning the iron off, locking the door and other mundane tasks are such an instinctual part of the morning routine you can easily do it without thinking about it, and then it does not register in your brain.

On this day, I simply could not remember turning the iron off. I could not concentrate on work because I kept calculating how much damage an iron could do. Would it ruin the room, or the whole side of the house? How would I know my house had gone up in flames? My neighbor does not have my phone number. Given we have no drapes I think the damage would be relatively minor. Aren't window treatments always the first to go? At least in those old PSAs they were.

Thanks to a forgiving boss who has her own neurotic behavior related to the straightening iron (Turn off, tell yourself you turned it off, unplug, check again) I was able to head home at lunch.

Of course, the iron was not on.

I found this blog post from Apartment Therapy on things to do in order to remember you've turned off an appliance.

Missing the Icy Patches

I went skiing yesterday for the first time this winter. You are probably surprised that a neurotic wife enjoys strapping sticks to her feet and pointing them straight down a mountain. It's actually a therapeutic exercise in overcoming neurotic thoughts. In fact, skiing provides a perfect snapshot of how I manage to overcome my worries and live a normal life.

The fear I feel when I approach a steep drop (the type where all you see is blue sky, not the ground below you) is nearly paralyzing. But as gripping as that fear is, the euphoria when I've reached the bottom is just as great. I put aside my worries, have faith in myself and my ability, and then I rely on a little bit of luck in missing the icy patches on the way down --- sounds a lot like my general approach to life.

Brown Baby No More

My Italian mother used to mix iodine and baby oil and rub it on her skin before sitting out in the sun. The same mother who is responsible for my worried nature was also a main participant in the "brown baby" contest every summer. My mother and her friends would compete to see which elementary school-aged child could get the best tan every summer. For the record I never won, my dad is fair-skinned Irish.

Despite all of the neuroses I have learned from her, lathering myself in sun block was not one of them. In her defense, the message that the sun kills really only hit the airwaves in the past 10-12 years. (And "Kudos" to you Coppertone public relations team.) Over the past few years I have become a diligent member of the 30 SPF brigade, but from 0-27, I burned until I blistered at least once a summer.

Which brings me to my current worry: skin cancer.

The other day I discovered two freckles on the underside of my right breast. (Note: I have never sun bathed naked.) How would sun get there? Upon making the discovery I made a mental note to ask my new primary care at my appointment next week, and also schedule an appointment with the dermatologist for me and my husband. The freckles are not discolored, raised or otherwise suspicious, so I did not rush out to the doctor that morning. (Yes, very level headed, indeed!)
As I scanned the Internet for information on freckles, one of my closest friends was dealing with an uncomfortable skin situation of her own. She is translucent and a diligent member of the 45 SPF brigade for as long as I have known her. Her doctor found two suspicious freckles right on her bum, which were removed, requiring stitches. As she sat precariously on her sore tooshie we debated this new phenomena of freckles in the most unlikely of places. Could it have been seat warmers in cars that caused her situation? A hot metal bleacher? Nothing really made sense. There were even fewer possible causes for my under-breast freckles.

Never mind the cause, as neurotic wife I am focused on prevention. The only possible solution to sun exposure is more prevention. I am good at this! Rather than putting my bathing suit on first and then applying sunblock, I'll apply before I dress. Also, I always love the look of sun hats, and I think I can find one that is large enough to cast a shadow out over my chest. Let's face it, I should have embraced the beach cover up years ago, here's one more reason to do so.

A Setback

A few weeks ago I blogged that I had overcome "slow cooker neurosis." I was able to go shopping while leaving the slow cooker on. I was proud. Like anyone dealing with personal demons, I battle everyday to overcome my neurotic behavior. Each day is its own challenge. Today, I lost. If only I had a sponsor I could have called, maybe I'd be at Pottery Barn debating between nickel finish and stainless lamps right now.

I had gone out for errands-- the post office, The Container Store and Pottery Barn. I only made it to the post office before the slow cooker compelled me home.

I'm not making excuses for my self, but I am trying a new recipe and I don't think it has enough liquid in it not to burn.

The Structured Life of a Neurotic Wife

As much as I hate to admit it, my husband and I live a very structured life. Our mornings follow a strict schedule. He wakes up at 7:03 a.m. and around 7:14 a.m he exits the shower and I wake up. I chat with him from bed as he gets dressed. When he goes downstairs to make the coffee, I get in the shower. My bathroom routine is a bit longer than his "11-minute-express hygiene special" and so when I am in the bathroom, he leaves for work.

The significant snow and ice we have had in Boston has altered my routine, just slightly. Now prior to getting in the shower, but after teeth brushing, face-washing and using the toilet, I scurry out of the bathroom to look out the side bedroom window. Peeking out the window I make sure that my husband has not slipped and fallen down the stairs or tumbled on a patch of ice on the driveway. A quick check that the car is gone relieves this fear.

What a terrible wife I would be had I showered, dressed, applied make up and blew dry my hair while my poor husband was lying on the icy driveway, in the cold, with a broken back!

New Doctor, New Worries

My 2009 resolution was to switch from my old home town doctor to a new primary care physician more conveniently located to where I live today. I accomplished this on December 31, 2008, making this the first time I had ever made good on a resolution. (Although I am not sure what the rules are given I accomplished it in the previous calendar year.)

Since changing doctors I have been consumed by medical worries. My main fear stems from a concern that at some point over the past 31 years my old doctor missed something significant, and I've been living in faux-health for many years.

I can just picture the conversation with my new doctor, "I assume you are already on the list for a kidney donation?"

As a result of this fear I have been acutely aware of my symptoms this week. Below I have listed ailments that have worried me in the past week, as well as the "symptoms" of them.

• Blood clot - A random spot on the middle of my thigh hurts.
  
• Diabetes - I felt dizzy and light-headed one day.
• A glandular problem-- swollen glands in my neck.
  
• High cholesterol - I haven't had any symptoms. I'm not even sure there are any. I've just thought maybe I have it. (A quick check of WebMD confirms there are no symptoms)
  
• Brain tumor - I had a headache last night.
  

My Neurotic Sister-- Not Neurotic Enough

As a neurotic wife I check to make sure the oven is off at least three times after using it. My sister, born and raised by the same neurotic mother, claims the same obsessive-compulsive habit.

On New Year's Eve I attended a small party at her house, and slept over. Just before midnight, my sister pulled delicious molten chocolate cakes from the oven, and then joined us to watch a very depressing Dick Clark count down the New Year. As we ushered in 2009, the oven remained on at a toasty 400 degrees. As my husband and I went to bed in the guest room we joked that my sister and her husband heat their condo to Grandma-like temperatures.

We awoke the next morning to my sister's shocked exclamation, "I left the oven on all night."

This leads me to two realizations.

1. I am going to have to worry about my sister leaving the oven on every night. Should I text her a reminder every night?

2. Someone should invent an oven temperature detector that beeps if the oven remains on after food is removed. There could be a weighted measure on the oven rack that signals the alarm. I'd buy one for me and one for my sister.