Stuffing and stuff

Every year at Thanksgiving I deal with the same issue: what to do about the stuffing? As we have all heard a thousand times, stuffing cooked inside the turkey is dangerous. Unfortunately, stuffing cooked outside the turkey is gross. Every year I roll the dice with my life and eat the potentially bacteria-infested turkey stuffing. It's moist and delicious. For the past 31 years, I've been lucky-- no bacteria.

Now, this 31-year-successful track record might make you think the stuffing-bacteria warnings are overblown. But, what does a neurotic wife think? Next year my family and I will get seriously ill from infected stuffing.

Now we are (slow) cookin'

Yesterday I conquered a fear. I left the house while my Cuisinart crock pot was running.

In the winter I love making stews and soups in the crock pot-- great comfort food for a cold, winter day. However most crock pot specialties cook for 9-10 hours. With the exception of "work-at-home" days, I am never in my house, and awake, for nine hours.

I had heard that it was safe to leave your house with the crock pot on, although this belies any kitchen-common-sense I ever learned from my neurotic mother. You don't leave your house with the iron on, the stove on, or the oven on, so why is it "ok" to leave with the crock pot cooking? Nevertheless, yesterday as my crock pot made creamy, bacony, clam chowder I left the house to run to Best Buy. In an emboldened act of courage, I also went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I was gone for a good hour and a half.

I rounded the corner to my circle (stopping to look for children of course) and my stomach felt queasy with butterflies. Joyous day! My house was still standing.

Today I learned it is ok to leave the crock pot on while going out for short errands. I dont think I would leave it for a whole day of work, but for an errand or two, that's fine.

Worrying in circles

My husband and I just bought a house on a quaint, 1950's, cul de sac. One of the benefits of the house is its secluded spot in the neighborhood-- a safe spot to play for children we dont have yet.

Children in our neighborhood use our street as the park. This is, of course, adorable and wholesome. This is the kind of America you don't think exists anymore-- now that there is too much to worry about. I picture myself in apron, baking apple pie, and calling my children in from a game of tag some day.

However, today, childless and as a neurotic wife, I also see a serious downside to living on the cul de sac-- tiny children that aren't always car-height and dont always pay attention.

I am vigilant in making sure the street is clear of kids before I pull in or out. When I back out, I check behind the car first for "hide and seekers." Even though the parents are almost always in the street to corral them, I always count the number of kids, and keep constant track as I back out. Coming home, I come to a complete stop - the kind that would make a driver's ed instructor proud, before turning onto the circle.

On his way home from work, my husband often receives this call, "Drive super carefully; children are riding scooters in the street and one keeps falling off." Or, "I count six kids. Make sure you account for all of them before you pull in."

I am sure I will be less neurotic when it's my kid and I am out there watching them, but right now, living on a cul de sac seems more nerve-wracking than living on a parkway.

A Hearty Thank You to the CO Detector Inventor

Our heater is working overtime right now. I can tell because it's very loud. Now, it's likely that this is because it is just darn cold outside and we have an old heater. Winter arrived in Boston today.

Of course, as a neurotic wife I think it's loud because the heater is broken and spewing carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide is a colorless, odorless gas, and in large enough levels it can kill you. I keep wondering, does my head feel light? Is the room spinning? When the room starts to spin, will I have the mental faculty to get out of the house, or should I just leave now as a precaution? Do our carbon monoxide detectors work? (Yes, I just checked.) Phew. How did we ever survive without carbon monoxide detectors in our homes? Thank you CO detector inventor!

The EPA says you should have your gas heater checked before the start of every heating season to ensure it is running properly. We didnt do that this season, and since we just bought the house in June, I dont know if it has ever been done.

The Mistaken Beer Allergy

For six months I believed I was allergic to beer.

After years of being an avid beer drinker, suddenly beer made me sick. I am not talking about sixteen-beers-and-the-room-spins sick, this was after just one glass, often of good, yuppy beer. My stomach felt strange and crampy; my head stuffed up. I had heard of people developing allergies over time, so it seemed plausible enough to me. I went off beer, and the stomach issues went away. Then, six months later I had a beer- it just looked so refreshing. Glory! I felt fine.

It turns out, I wasnt allergic to beer. Instead, I think I am allergic to turkey burger meat. I am not allergic to turkey-- gobble, gobble. Just turkey burger meat.

Driving Miss Crazy

My husband is in a band, and they practice after work two nights a week. I am nervous every night until he gets home. But Thursday nights in particular really make me nervous. After a long four days of work, he's tired, and it's dark out. Add to this the fact that more people go out on Thursday nights, which means the number of tipsy drivers increases. Tonight is particularly concerning because there is a Patriots game-- even more crazy drivers on the road.

Ed's work is only 8 miles from home, and his band's practice space is a mile closer to home than that. That means later tonight he will travel 7 miles, on mostly back roads. A short and safe drive, right? Wrong. Check out this survey on Insurance.com, "where accidents occur most" . Now, I haven't done math since "Probabilty and Statistics for the Liberal Arts Major" 12 years ago, but I think this chart means that Ed has a 70 percent chance of getting in an accident whenever he drives home.

I'm so vein

This morning as I was applying lotion to my legs I noticed really visible veins in my legs. They are not yet bumpy or raised, but I can see how they might get there. Later at work, I felt like my legs were throbbing. I googled varicose veins and discovered they are hereditary (my aunt had them), and as much as 20 percent of the female population gets them.

I went to my favorite resource on the Web-- MayoClinic.com and am now writing this with my legs elevated above my heart. Nice, an excuse for lying on the couch at 7:30.

The Porpoise and the Cantaloupe

My husband grew up in a PCB-contaminated city. I'm no Erin Brockovich, but I think the city deserved more than the settlement it received - a small baseball field and a promise to clean the river.

But my issue isnt with the paltry settlement. My issue is that for years my husband rolled around in PCB-laden dirt, probably ingested some of it, and definitely got it under his fingernails. He seems fine - no obvious effects. My real concern is for our unborn children, who knows what disfigurement awaits them! PCBs are probably coating my husband's genes.

What does this have to do with a porpoise and a cantaloupe? Often my neuroses manifest themselves in dreams. In this particular re-occurring dream, I am pregnant. My belly falls off and opens up to look just like a halved cantaloupe. After the doctor scrapes the cantaloupe guts away he presents me with my baby-- which looks just like a disfigured porpoise.

In actuality, this is another case of me worrying, without researching. If you click on the link to PCB information above or below you will see that most harm is caused by the mother being exposed to PCB's - by eating contaminated fish, or working in a factory.

Most likely our unborn kids are fine - that is, if we can have them. I just learned today that high-levels of PCB's can sometimes contribute to infertility.

How it began

I blame my mother. Actually, "blame" may not be the right word since my mother takes great pride and pleasure in my neurosis. I worry; she thinks, "my job is done."

When I was in college, my brother was in law school and my sister was about to graduate first in her high school class. My mother tied a ribbon around all the beds in our house. "To ward off bad thoughts from others," she said. I had always thought we were liked enough in the community, so this step seemed peculiar. Whenever life is going really well my mother is certain something bad will happen. After 31 years of study I have perfected her thought process.

I am happy. I am happily married to a great man, who just happens to be using paint thinner to clean up our recently painted and expanded closet. He is working in a tight space (the closet). What if he inhales too much paint thinner? How much paint thinner can you inhale before your lungs bleed? If his lungs were bleeding I would call an ambulance. The hospital isn't too far away. This is my thought process.

When I am worried I often turn to the Internet. I just looked up "inhaling paint thinner" and I learned from Wikipedia that you should not drive a car after inhaling paint thinner. Luckily, we are in for the night. It doesn't say anything about bleeding lungs. It looks like I made that up.