Part 2: 25 Things I am Neurotic About

6. House fires and explosions - Every time we leave the house for an overnight stay I am convinced we will come home and a gas explosion will have decimated our Cape. I have seen one or two news stories in the past few years where houses mysteriously explode without warning.

7. Cops - My neighbor is a cop, in fact many of the men and women in my town are cops. Whenever I come home from work and see his car is gone for the night shift I worry. I don't think you can be a neurotic wife and marry a cop. Luckily my husband is a marketing manager.

8. And robbers - Recently there was a rash of break-ins in my sister's neighborhood. The same sister who was forgetful enough to leave the oven on over night, would obviously be forgetful enough to leave the front or back door unlocked.

9. Dryer Lint - The other day a co-worker of mine told me that her house nearly caught on fire (see number 6) because she had not cleaned the dryer's exit pipe in six months. I didn't know the dryer had an exit pipe, let alone that it needed to be cleaned.

10. Scoliosis - When my husband was in 7th grade he had to have an operation on his back and was out of school for six months. I am not sure if this can be traced back to the fact that his home town is contaminated by GE or not, nor am I sure that scoliosis is genetic, but I am pretty certain my future porpoise-like children will be born with a boomerang-shaped spine.

Brown Baby No More

My Italian mother used to mix iodine and baby oil and rub it on her skin before sitting out in the sun. The same mother who is responsible for my worried nature was also a main participant in the "brown baby" contest every summer. My mother and her friends would compete to see which elementary school-aged child could get the best tan every summer. For the record I never won, my dad is fair-skinned Irish.

Despite all of the neuroses I have learned from her, lathering myself in sun block was not one of them. In her defense, the message that the sun kills really only hit the airwaves in the past 10-12 years. (And "Kudos" to you Coppertone public relations team.) Over the past few years I have become a diligent member of the 30 SPF brigade, but from 0-27, I burned until I blistered at least once a summer.

Which brings me to my current worry: skin cancer.

The other day I discovered two freckles on the underside of my right breast. (Note: I have never sun bathed naked.) How would sun get there? Upon making the discovery I made a mental note to ask my new primary care at my appointment next week, and also schedule an appointment with the dermatologist for me and my husband. The freckles are not discolored, raised or otherwise suspicious, so I did not rush out to the doctor that morning. (Yes, very level headed, indeed!)
As I scanned the Internet for information on freckles, one of my closest friends was dealing with an uncomfortable skin situation of her own. She is translucent and a diligent member of the 45 SPF brigade for as long as I have known her. Her doctor found two suspicious freckles right on her bum, which were removed, requiring stitches. As she sat precariously on her sore tooshie we debated this new phenomena of freckles in the most unlikely of places. Could it have been seat warmers in cars that caused her situation? A hot metal bleacher? Nothing really made sense. There were even fewer possible causes for my under-breast freckles.

Never mind the cause, as neurotic wife I am focused on prevention. The only possible solution to sun exposure is more prevention. I am good at this! Rather than putting my bathing suit on first and then applying sunblock, I'll apply before I dress. Also, I always love the look of sun hats, and I think I can find one that is large enough to cast a shadow out over my chest. Let's face it, I should have embraced the beach cover up years ago, here's one more reason to do so.

New Doctor, New Worries

My 2009 resolution was to switch from my old home town doctor to a new primary care physician more conveniently located to where I live today. I accomplished this on December 31, 2008, making this the first time I had ever made good on a resolution. (Although I am not sure what the rules are given I accomplished it in the previous calendar year.)

Since changing doctors I have been consumed by medical worries. My main fear stems from a concern that at some point over the past 31 years my old doctor missed something significant, and I've been living in faux-health for many years.

I can just picture the conversation with my new doctor, "I assume you are already on the list for a kidney donation?"

As a result of this fear I have been acutely aware of my symptoms this week. Below I have listed ailments that have worried me in the past week, as well as the "symptoms" of them.

• Blood clot - A random spot on the middle of my thigh hurts.
  
• Diabetes - I felt dizzy and light-headed one day.
• A glandular problem-- swollen glands in my neck.
  
• High cholesterol - I haven't had any symptoms. I'm not even sure there are any. I've just thought maybe I have it. (A quick check of WebMD confirms there are no symptoms)
  
• Brain tumor - I had a headache last night.
  

Stuffing and stuff

Every year at Thanksgiving I deal with the same issue: what to do about the stuffing? As we have all heard a thousand times, stuffing cooked inside the turkey is dangerous. Unfortunately, stuffing cooked outside the turkey is gross. Every year I roll the dice with my life and eat the potentially bacteria-infested turkey stuffing. It's moist and delicious. For the past 31 years, I've been lucky-- no bacteria.

Now, this 31-year-successful track record might make you think the stuffing-bacteria warnings are overblown. But, what does a neurotic wife think? Next year my family and I will get seriously ill from infected stuffing.

A Hearty Thank You to the CO Detector Inventor

Our heater is working overtime right now. I can tell because it's very loud. Now, it's likely that this is because it is just darn cold outside and we have an old heater. Winter arrived in Boston today.

Of course, as a neurotic wife I think it's loud because the heater is broken and spewing carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide is a colorless, odorless gas, and in large enough levels it can kill you. I keep wondering, does my head feel light? Is the room spinning? When the room starts to spin, will I have the mental faculty to get out of the house, or should I just leave now as a precaution? Do our carbon monoxide detectors work? (Yes, I just checked.) Phew. How did we ever survive without carbon monoxide detectors in our homes? Thank you CO detector inventor!

The EPA says you should have your gas heater checked before the start of every heating season to ensure it is running properly. We didnt do that this season, and since we just bought the house in June, I dont know if it has ever been done.

The Mistaken Beer Allergy

For six months I believed I was allergic to beer.

After years of being an avid beer drinker, suddenly beer made me sick. I am not talking about sixteen-beers-and-the-room-spins sick, this was after just one glass, often of good, yuppy beer. My stomach felt strange and crampy; my head stuffed up. I had heard of people developing allergies over time, so it seemed plausible enough to me. I went off beer, and the stomach issues went away. Then, six months later I had a beer- it just looked so refreshing. Glory! I felt fine.

It turns out, I wasnt allergic to beer. Instead, I think I am allergic to turkey burger meat. I am not allergic to turkey-- gobble, gobble. Just turkey burger meat.

I'm so vein

This morning as I was applying lotion to my legs I noticed really visible veins in my legs. They are not yet bumpy or raised, but I can see how they might get there. Later at work, I felt like my legs were throbbing. I googled varicose veins and discovered they are hereditary (my aunt had them), and as much as 20 percent of the female population gets them.

I went to my favorite resource on the Web-- MayoClinic.com and am now writing this with my legs elevated above my heart. Nice, an excuse for lying on the couch at 7:30.